#YellowChocolate

As has been the general theme of my vapid last few posts, here I am, looking to blog again, to see if it will do any good. Lets start with an update based on the big milestones I kept missing in my previous posts. It is five years since my previous post, where I was a very naive 25 year old. Yes, I'm in my thirties now. Maturing like a fine wine I hope, but more likely like a piece of cheddar that dropped under the fridge. Back then I was 'still' living at home. I did not know back then that it would be another five years. Last year however, in May I bought my own home. Yes that's right, I'm a homeowner. The years of saving paid off.  I escaped the bully from the old marketing company and after a brief time working in Oxford, I have settled into a SaaS company where the last three years have blown by. I chop and change as to whether there is the right level of opportunity for me there, but I have a good support network there and I am doing something I enjoy; Contin...

I lied, I lied, I li-i-ied. I should have suspected I would struggle to blog 2 days in a row. So lets use this first blog to update on where I am in life right now. Past the quarter century mark and still living at home, I work for a marketing company in an Operations department. It was going along swimmingly until my new manager started bullying me. In the love department, I began a relationship in June of last year that ended by May this year. Still, it was the longest relationship I'd had and I was completely and utterly in love. It's a shame alcohol and prescription drugs were more important to him. And yes, it was a him. My bisexuality has not been cured or completed. So back to being single, in desperate need of a new job and a home of my own. I guess we could say I have the world at my feet. It's a shame that the depression is still so severely attacking my mind. It's still there, counselling begins next week.

2013 I completed 2 of my new years resolutions, 2014 saw me complete 3! Lets take a look back and see what was a success and where I went wrong! Before tomorrow's revealing of my 2015 New Years Resolutions. The tracking sheet that Joanne inspired me on has disappeared but I am going to try and do the same this year! 1. Complete the Second Draft of Jack Union: Ab Initio - FAILED! Jack Union, my ever present fantasy novel got off to a great start at the beginning part of the year but I  somewhat got a little blocked as the year went on. Perhaps it was a lack of free time with On Call and busy work, my nephew being born, or maybe I've just got a little bit lazy and lost my way in terms of my dreams. So of course, this will be back on my 2015 New Years Resolutions and I am more determined than ever to complete it! 2. Produce, Film & Complete The Keys Of Cochyuffern Woods - FAILED! Another dream I appear to have lost my way on, I didn't even write a script! How...

Another milestone reached on this blog. 100,000 total pageviews!! That's just crazy! I hope everyone who's read anything has enjoyed and been entertained. Here's to the next 100,000! now to celebrate with some GIFs and Kool & The Gang :) In other news, I'm getting a new car soon, a Mini Hatch and finally getting rid of my shitty MG ZR. (NEVER BUY ONE OF THESE!), Work is Manic, my twin sister is proper preggerz, and I've designed some wedding invitations for Abbie, who I'm best man for.

This is a poem that I wrote around this time in 2012, when things were at one of the lowest points I've ever encountered. It is about how I felt from being bullied at school to when I began to grow up afterwards. Everyone always said to rise above it because you're the better person, it took me far too long to realise why. Take this advice from someone who’s been bullied their whole childhood The knife, the drugs, the alcohol, don’t do any good All the things they did are not taken away It’s all a game to them and they expect you to play Some people say that they are insecure That they have unresolved feelings, still too raw But we know it’s not true, those of us who have suffered They’ve a thirst to prove they’re the ones that a tougher Good or bad doesn’t come into it in the end Because you’ll always find they’re the ones with more friends But here’s a thought, to help you survive You’re stronger than them from your own experiences in life ...

This is probably the first post in a good long while that's actually had anything to do with the story that is my life. So here's a few updates, if anyone cares! Firstly, one of the more exciting things is that my best friend Abbie is getting married next year. Something that I am incredibly honoured to be a part of, as I have been asked to be her best man! Unusual, we know, for a man to effectively be the maid of honour, but it's a true sign of just how our friendship is together. Ever since college Abbie has always been such a great friend and even through university, being 50 miles away that friendship didn't waver. Now we're growing up, apparently, and I am so proud of her, and wish her all the best in married life.  Abbie & I recently had a night out, in which I finally told her face to face that I am bisexual. Something that has become so normal for me now, a big step from 2 years ago, but something that I had never told her. For some reason, lik...

Since watching Grey's Anatomy, I've definitely found myself with striking similarities with some of the characters, mainly the lack of emotion when it comes to others that I share with Yang. However, after reading back on some of my blog posts, I've realised I may have become Meredith Grey. Exhibit A (Season 1) Nice Happy Meredith For this blog seems to be the first few posts, mainly showing I'm flakey and not really focussed on much. Examples: http://tizrhead.blogspot.co.uk/2009/01/make-me-remember.html http://tizrhead.blogspot.co.uk/2009/02/here-i-go-again.html Exhibit B (Seasons 2-5) Dark & Twisted Meredith This is where things got bad. I found myself knocked into the sea after saving lives at a ferryboat and didn't try and swim to the surface. A.K.A Things got bad. Examples: http://tizrhead.blogspot.co.uk/2011/02/in-ruins.html http://tizrhead.blogspot.co.uk/2011/03/sink-or-swim.html http://tizrhead.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/on-my-own.html...

This weekend is a Harry Potter Marathon. I'm on Goblet of Fire. This is how exciting my life is this week. In other news, I didn't realise my car wasn't MOTd or taxed so I'm not driving at the moment, and I've had a shitty week.

Once again I have been neglecting my blog, so I'm trying my hardest to get back on track! The main reason is because I am now with job as an operations executive at a marketing company. The work has been brilliant so far and I am really enjoying it. Christmas is coming up and I'm still a pauper, even after getting paid. I have just realised how I cannot live by paying the rent I'm paying and somehow getting Christmas Presents, and my counterpart license ordered, and still somehow live and breathe! More updates soon! Sleepy now.

The last couple of weeks mixing my life between freshers and getting my life on track has been quite unusual.  I returned to Salisbury to see Cynthea and make sure she was okay and told myself not to bother with any of the freshers, but then so many of them were so nice. There is a clear divide between them and there are a few that need a punch in the face but on the whole a really good group of people. Some of us genuinely didn't want me to leave! It'll be nice to return within the next few days.  Most of them managed to see me absolutely drunk off my face. Cynthea has decided to leave, and on her goodbye night I did not realise just how affected I would be by it. I drank myself silly, made a fool of myself on the phone, and said some foolish things. I can't go too much into detail. But there's one thing that is making me want to drink silly still. A person very important to me is clearly going through something and they don't seem to be releasing it. I ...

So here's my life as it goes right now. I am extremely angry and crashing because select people not understanding that my being nice has no intentions. As soon as I find out a guy is straight, I back off. Anything after that is just being friendly, nothing expected, nothing wanted. And that's not the only time my niceness is misunderstood. Just because I'm nice to you and flirty, doesn't mean anything is going to happen. Yes, these two extremes are both happening and its pissing me off. I am fed up of being nice, but I just like to help people and I don't like seeing anyone down, upset, or alone when they don't want to be. But anyways, other things pissing me off are my speeding ticket, money, and not getting paid at work. Losing friends and finding out secrets about those who you never knew had let you down, and much more. Will things ever get better? On another note, please keep checking out, liking, sharing and donating to my latest film pro...

Ok, here's a point of view of mine that I really do want to press on people. Because I think it's the one thing at university which I think causes people to miss out on great opportunities and fun times. And that is decisions to not be friends or not be nice to someone. Now I'm sure I have done it myself and it is something I am working on in changing. But it just doesn't make sense. The amount of times people are just blunt, not nice, or ignorant just because they don't know someone that well is fucking rude.  I'm not saying that everyone has to be friends with everyone. And I'm definitely not saying that I am. But I'm the kind of person who is open to getting along with anyone and everyone. It doesn't mean I want to replace my previous and closer friends with you, or spend all of my time with you, it just means that I'm not going to not be friendly just because I don't know you very well, or because I'm not in your little frie...

Life is confusing, because sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye. Sometimes I wish my heart was blind. Because at the moment it's just being retarded.

Those of you who know me, have been reading my blog you may have discovered that I am currently suffering depression. Tracing it back, I'd say it started on January 21st 2011 when issues starting to crop up with my then girlfriend Melissa. Since then, to add to prevent me from getting better, I have suffered friends betrayal, the continued mental abuse from a father who ended up attempting to destroy my family and whom had drilled into my head that I was not an adequate son. A car accident which totalled off my car, including a legal battle which is ongoing from November. My Dad had an affair and left the family, breaking my mum's heart. This lead to Shiya, my dog, to have fallen ill and eventually she passed away after a long time suffering. One of my best friends moved out of the flat. Then the person who was to replace her bailed. I've looked into the face of suicide and struggled to come out the other side. The depression has affected my work, which I had to quite...

Shiya is stuck at the vets and really ill. She's on a drip, she's had x-rays and scans, on medication and has to wear a cone because she keeps trying to bite of the drip. I just want her to get better :( Fingers crossed she does. Always thinking of her.

What is the point in my existence then? What is the point? Am I supposed to be here to do the devil’s work. Am I the Devil’s advocate? It would explain so much, why I bring so much pain and suffering into the world. I’m cruel to people in the most shallow of ways, and I do it with a vile laugh. I become involved in people’s lives and then just when things are going right, I ruin it. I persuade people that I am right when the right thing to do isn’t necessarily the best thing to do. And even in saying all this, I’m probably making things worse. I need understanding and more acceptance than I could possibly ever receive to feel better. I know I’m a horrible person and I deserve this. It’s been drummed into me that the real me is not a good person, and even though that was done for the wrong reasons, I’m starting to see how it could actually be beneficial to change. Although that is impossible, how can you change who you are?

I'm fed up of being this pathetic excuse for a human being. I'm sick of not being able to deal with the issues at hand. I'm tired of trying to be strong and failing in everything I do. I'm annoyed that I can't get over everything that's happened because I can't deal with it all. I don't want to keep feeling like this and not being able to hide it. I want to at least be distracted.

So today was the first day of our 16mm drama shoot, and it went surprisingly well! We have an awesome crew who all have worked so hard and two great actors which have brought the script to a new level. I am very happy with the work we'e all put in and it's finally starting to come together. I am however, ridiculously tired because I'm still not sleeping and starting to have long working days. Even when the filming is over, I still have producer stuff to do, and to look after my actors. Just cooked so much pasta for lunch tomorrow as well! ARRGHHH! I also feel like I've got so much to do and too little time. On The Edge

So since I've hurt my toe things have been crazy. For the first few days it hurt too much to walk so I had to miss uni, which was very annoying. I struggled to walk around the house etc and the weekend pretty much saw the same apart from an awful limp to McDonalds, but it was definitely worth it for a big tasty with bacon. I couldn't go in on Monday because I just felt awful and I couldn't do anything productive, but yesterday saw the complete opposite. Got so much sorted in my life and with work, including a 4 1/2 hour production meeting sorting out what shots we're going to do for our new project. On the phone to talk talk, sorting out appointments, trying to sort out my solicitors, and then I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I was hoping that doing all this would make me feel a bit better, but it didn't. Keep having really bad nights sleep. I keep having weird dreams and nightmares which keep waking me up and it's really st...

Okay, So I went out last night as a bit of a tester of how I'd react to alcohol after the last few weeks and everything, and it seemed to go okay, until my toe got kicked back by Marvyn, and bent my nail back, so I ended up having to go to A&E, and got it bent back... It bloody kills. Other than that, it was nice to have a few hours where I just forgot everything! I did also like being dressed as a Ringmaster, even if everyone did think I was a Matador... Anyway, I'm now exhausted because I still can't sleep, and my toe hurts so I'm staying in bed...