#YellowChocolate

Can someone pleas unriddle this most unusual dream for me and tell me what it means. I was at my old school assembly room with a friend from university planning a circus themed party. We were doing very well, with guests loving these ugly circus people face pictures. People from my school and university years began taking a seat whilst my friend set up the first piece of entertainment. He had stacked up hundreds of drinks in a stair-like fashion, and then had several more on a cuboid clothes rail, which he pulled up on the stage. Then, after a countdown, he shoved the clothes rail one to come down the drinks stairs and into the audience, making an almighty mess. Add in that another university friend was telling me their boyfriend 'Adrian' had bought them a car, and I am truly stumped at the meaning of this dream. BTW, I did have cheese before bed...

I'm going to spend the next few posts about the films I've made. The first piece of work I'm actually proud of was the 'Salisbury Wildlife Centre Documentary' It's a short piece about a local wildlife centre and how they work with the animals. It was great fun to produce, with a brilliant crew.

Lateness to work shall cease forever more. I love my job, but there is one or two, (and read one or two as one) people that shouldn't be there. Cannot say anymore than that, at least not on the internet. I can't wait for my meal with my boss to discuss such things. I got more organisation done today, a folder for what I'm in charge of with goals and everything, literally just too cool for school. Plan for the weekend: Wii Fit, Tidy Room, Write some Jack Union, and get going on my 1001 things to do before I die. That last thing too is to try and watch a film! One more thing, find a co-producer & co-director, possibly the same person! Now, Sherlock last night was brilliant. I though the whole reuniting storyline was a little bit annoying and pointless, but the tantalising theories of how Sherlock survived without never truly revealing it was brilliant television and the bomb sequence was dramatic and comedic! Looking forward to going back to Salisbury ...

The last couple of weeks mixing my life between freshers and getting my life on track has been quite unusual.  I returned to Salisbury to see Cynthea and make sure she was okay and told myself not to bother with any of the freshers, but then so many of them were so nice. There is a clear divide between them and there are a few that need a punch in the face but on the whole a really good group of people. Some of us genuinely didn't want me to leave! It'll be nice to return within the next few days.  Most of them managed to see me absolutely drunk off my face. Cynthea has decided to leave, and on her goodbye night I did not realise just how affected I would be by it. I drank myself silly, made a fool of myself on the phone, and said some foolish things. I can't go too much into detail. But there's one thing that is making me want to drink silly still. A person very important to me is clearly going through something and they don't seem to be releasing it. I ...

These are my new years resolutions. Hopefully I'll keep to them! Last years, I only did like 2, but this year I AM GOING TO DO THEM ALL!!

So here's my life as it goes right now. I am extremely angry and crashing because select people not understanding that my being nice has no intentions. As soon as I find out a guy is straight, I back off. Anything after that is just being friendly, nothing expected, nothing wanted. And that's not the only time my niceness is misunderstood. Just because I'm nice to you and flirty, doesn't mean anything is going to happen. Yes, these two extremes are both happening and its pissing me off. I am fed up of being nice, but I just like to help people and I don't like seeing anyone down, upset, or alone when they don't want to be. But anyways, other things pissing me off are my speeding ticket, money, and not getting paid at work. Losing friends and finding out secrets about those who you never knew had let you down, and much more. Will things ever get better? On another note, please keep checking out, liking, sharing and donating to my latest film pro...

Please take the time to check out my indiegogo page! I'm raising money for my latest short film!

Ok, here's a point of view of mine that I really do want to press on people. Because I think it's the one thing at university which I think causes people to miss out on great opportunities and fun times. And that is decisions to not be friends or not be nice to someone. Now I'm sure I have done it myself and it is something I am working on in changing. But it just doesn't make sense. The amount of times people are just blunt, not nice, or ignorant just because they don't know someone that well is fucking rude.  I'm not saying that everyone has to be friends with everyone. And I'm definitely not saying that I am. But I'm the kind of person who is open to getting along with anyone and everyone. It doesn't mean I want to replace my previous and closer friends with you, or spend all of my time with you, it just means that I'm not going to not be friendly just because I don't know you very well, or because I'm not in your little frie...

Those of you who know me, have been reading my blog you may have discovered that I am currently suffering depression. Tracing it back, I'd say it started on January 21st 2011 when issues starting to crop up with my then girlfriend Melissa. Since then, to add to prevent me from getting better, I have suffered friends betrayal, the continued mental abuse from a father who ended up attempting to destroy my family and whom had drilled into my head that I was not an adequate son. A car accident which totalled off my car, including a legal battle which is ongoing from November. My Dad had an affair and left the family, breaking my mum's heart. This lead to Shiya, my dog, to have fallen ill and eventually she passed away after a long time suffering. One of my best friends moved out of the flat. Then the person who was to replace her bailed. I've looked into the face of suicide and struggled to come out the other side. The depression has affected my work, which I had to quite...

I know it's a bit out of season, but here's my Christmas Documentary. Enjoy.

So, I've been 21 for a week now, and after a grand birthday where I got ridiculously spoilt, as per usual, I've actually found this week has overall been a good week. Thursday was my birthday party, which was crazy! I was dressed up as a mad hatter (see picture above) I loved my costume and had a really good night. And I think I may have sorted things with Sophie, and she's coming over on Tuesday :) I am excited. So yeah, things have been positive this week, I've got some things off my chest that I thought would weigh me down for a long time, and now I am relieved. Time to keep moving forward, and not looking back. The only negative of the week has been the palava of getting my promo project sorted, but we have the teddy bears etc, and now we are filming tomorrow! I hope it goes well!!

Thursday... So much to say about Thursday. Well, I got the drunkest I have been in a very very long time, if not ever! Shenanigans included playing ring of fire, describing my vagina and licking carpet cleaner off of my arm at Lucy and Lizzies. The off to Spirit where I seemed to have a hat fetish stealing people's headwear, perhaps having a drink thrown over me but I can't remember, and I don't really remember much about Spirit after that. Then to Voodoo, where I ended up licking a guys face, smoking, and being nice when Amy got upset because she got hit by some girl for defending a friend or something like that. I forget, I then went back to halls to tell Guy, and made a fool of myself in front of the freshers. This is one of my more sober photos :/ I wouldn't have had it any other way!

What is the point in my existence then? What is the point? Am I supposed to be here to do the devil’s work. Am I the Devil’s advocate? It would explain so much, why I bring so much pain and suffering into the world. I’m cruel to people in the most shallow of ways, and I do it with a vile laugh. I become involved in people’s lives and then just when things are going right, I ruin it. I persuade people that I am right when the right thing to do isn’t necessarily the best thing to do. And even in saying all this, I’m probably making things worse. I need understanding and more acceptance than I could possibly ever receive to feel better. I know I’m a horrible person and I deserve this. It’s been drummed into me that the real me is not a good person, and even though that was done for the wrong reasons, I’m starting to see how it could actually be beneficial to change. Although that is impossible, how can you change who you are?

So today was the first day of our 16mm drama shoot, and it went surprisingly well! We have an awesome crew who all have worked so hard and two great actors which have brought the script to a new level. I am very happy with the work we'e all put in and it's finally starting to come together. I am however, ridiculously tired because I'm still not sleeping and starting to have long working days. Even when the filming is over, I still have producer stuff to do, and to look after my actors. Just cooked so much pasta for lunch tomorrow as well! ARRGHHH! I also feel like I've got so much to do and too little time. On The Edge

So next week is the week of filming our 16mm drama project that I am producing. I've been very busy the last couple of weeks sorting it out and I've still got so much more to do! To be honest though because of everything that's been going on I'm proud of anything I get done. We've seen the location which is perfect, it's St. Michaels Community Centre in Salisbury. We've got our two actors, the paperwork is getting done, so it's all slowly piecing together!  I went home this weekend to get my car but I wasn't back for long which is a shame. I really miss my famalam and needed them. Especially my dogs, they're unconditional love is something I need at a time like this. I wish I could've stayed there for longer but not only did I have to return back to get loads of work done, but I also can't just run back home when things get tough. But yeah, that's my life so far, all just work related. I'm resigning from BHS because ...

So since I've hurt my toe things have been crazy. For the first few days it hurt too much to walk so I had to miss uni, which was very annoying. I struggled to walk around the house etc and the weekend pretty much saw the same apart from an awful limp to McDonalds, but it was definitely worth it for a big tasty with bacon. I couldn't go in on Monday because I just felt awful and I couldn't do anything productive, but yesterday saw the complete opposite. Got so much sorted in my life and with work, including a 4 1/2 hour production meeting sorting out what shots we're going to do for our new project. On the phone to talk talk, sorting out appointments, trying to sort out my solicitors, and then I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I was hoping that doing all this would make me feel a bit better, but it didn't. Keep having really bad nights sleep. I keep having weird dreams and nightmares which keep waking me up and it's really st...

Okay, So I went out last night as a bit of a tester of how I'd react to alcohol after the last few weeks and everything, and it seemed to go okay, until my toe got kicked back by Marvyn, and bent my nail back, so I ended up having to go to A&E, and got it bent back... It bloody kills. Other than that, it was nice to have a few hours where I just forgot everything! I did also like being dressed as a Ringmaster, even if everyone did think I was a Matador... Anyway, I'm now exhausted because I still can't sleep, and my toe hurts so I'm staying in bed...

31st December... How 2011 has flown past! Seems like only yesterday I was happy in 2010. With the worst year nearly over I'm looking forward to making 2012 my year. It starts by the very difficult return to university and I believe the first month will be the hardest. But after January I should be able to get back on my feet. So here's my new years resolutions for 2012...Yes most of them are the same as 2011, but considering I failed them it's time for a new attempt. I'm going to print these out and put them in my room and remember every day what I need to do.  I also need to add 9. Be a Nicer person. I can fight this.

2011 has been the worst year for me. Sadness, heartbreak, car-crashes, betrayal, abandonment and stress, it's not been the kindest to me. And the end of the year has been the worst. I won't be remembering this Christmas fondly, though it'll never leave my mind. I'm hoping for a good 2012, I mean, it is the Queen's Jubilee year, so it has to be. Doesn't it? Here's a picture of the last time I felt truly well; January. Let's start the new year with a new job and a new car, and a successful edit of Jack Union: Ab Initio

Something you will never forget about 2011 Meeting so many more amazing people, especially starting at Vue again in the summer.  Relationship(s) Well, my relationship with Melissa Coneeley ended in February and things have been pretty dead since. I'm going to die alone and unhappy. The best day Probably Ram's Sluts and Suits party day, that was pretty fun. I had an amazing night. Either that or St Patricks, or just one of the evenings chilling on Tomb Raider, or Jack's nintendo... Things like that. The worst day Too many have been bad this year, but the worst would probably have to be the day someone totalled my car. The most memorable moment To be honest, I don't think there's much I'll forget about 2011, but I hope the moments I remember the most are the one's where my friends have been there for me, and I've truly cherished that. Your best friend(s) Jolly, Beth, Leanne, Melly, Sara & Sean from university. And Abbie, Sarah and...