Post to no one.

Do you ever look around and wonder to yourself, just how did I get in this mess?

Well that's how I feel about pretty much everything going on right now. The depression won't go away, and I don't want to get to a place where I try to kill myself again. But you find yourself looking around and the reasons not to seem to dwindle. All except my mum, my sisters, and Diesel.

So where do I start? We'll talk about work first. I've got a job as a student warden at halls, and amongst the requirements they want us students to sort out freshers week. After working my first shift with one of the tutor wardens (who can say yay or nay on events) we managed to get a good 2 weeks freshers and since then I've been working my arse off getting everything sorted. I've been trying to use it as a distraction. To stop spending each day remembering you're a waste of life. But even such a productive situation has been causing shit. People thinking I'm taking over, students pissing themselves saying the events are crap, and moaning that they're getting invited by me instead of Mary Saint (the halls Facebook alias). It wouldn't annoy me so much but they're too pussy to say anything to my face, they have bitchy conversations and post bitchy comments on Facebook. All of us wardens have tried so hard to make this the best freshers week yet, and the only reason I've been inviting people is because I've been making the events. I've been working out of hours to make posters, sort out paperwork, making phone calls, organise budgeting and writing emails to make this work, and apparently it's all going to be crap. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but when I've worked so hard, I'd like for it to have paid off. I mean, if you think it's going to be shit, why haven't you been organising stuff yourself? And now it just feels like all this stress and effort is all for nothing. All I wanted was to make sure people had as good a time possible considering we're all stuck in Salisbury.

And, I've been working as many hours as I can grab on to because of money, because this month is a tight month at best. I've got to be able to get to London on Thursday, and got to eat, travel, and still somehow enjoy freshers week. I can't do anything fun or go out anywhere because I just can't afford it, so now I just seem like a grumps.

Then this makes me feel even worse, because I'm either working, or stuck in the flat day in or day out. I know I've been a shit friend over the whole summer, but I need my friends to make just as much of an effort. Yes, there are exceptions who have been very good friends and I know we're all busy, but there's some things that are not excusable. It's not really fair that I'm left here to feel shit, and have to battle with my mind as to whether I'm just being paranoid, or whether we're just not friends anymore. I know I'm difficult to be around or socialise with when my depression takes a hold, but that's what friends are for right? Now this is all general because there are a couple of friends out there who have been good. But then there are those that have been lying or neglecting, and I'm tired of it. I need friends who want to help and follow these actions, but I can't tell them that, because they'd reply that they do want to, whether or not it is true. Instead, I find myself sitting here wishing that I didn't have to deal with absolutely anyone ever again because it'd stop me from being hurt. Even though this is hurting. It's not even just friends, acquaintances and everything, you can't trust any of them.

Work experience is still all up in the air, even more so after talking to Andy, who said that I can't do it all in October, which leaves me fucked over again. And even with all this, I can't really afford to do it. It's all becoming too much, and I just want to drop out and stop doing this anymore, and go into a dull office job and just be like everyone else. 

And do you know what, this isn't even the half of it, but I just can't keep writing it all. I'm too unhappy to continue. I just want my family to stop having such tough times. I want my pills to start working, and I need help.