My 21 Months Of Hell.

Those of you who know me, have been reading my blog you may have discovered that I am currently suffering depression. Tracing it back, I'd say it started on January 21st 2011 when issues starting to crop up with my then girlfriend Melissa.

Since then, to add to prevent me from getting better, I have suffered friends betrayal, the continued mental abuse from a father who ended up attempting to destroy my family and whom had drilled into my head that I was not an adequate son. A car accident which totalled off my car, including a legal battle which is ongoing from November. My Dad had an affair and left the family, breaking my mum's heart. This lead to Shiya, my dog, to have fallen ill and eventually she passed away after a long time suffering. One of my best friends moved out of the flat. Then the person who was to replace her bailed. I've looked into the face of suicide and struggled to come out the other side. The depression has affected my work, which I had to quite in January, my uni work which I struggled to pass the second year, and a relationship with a girl I fell in love with, and it unfortunately had to end. Including a constant battle with money, which has seen me at the worst point I've been, and being fucked up by different medication constantly. It's affected all friendships, all relationships, and every event in my life over the past 21 months because my head makes me struggle to deal with things. I've struggled to come to terms with who I am, and I've found myself in an inescapable rut of not knowing what I can do to make things better. I've struggled with alcohol abuse and my diet and exercise has been thrown out the window. I've had many a bad experiences that I haven't even told most people, not even those close to me. My head is full of worry about everything from my family, to Diesel, to money, to being a pain in the backside. I've got paranoia overload and this affects many a judgements and mistakes I have made.

So why am I laying this all out for anyone to read? To let everyone know that I'm not ashamed of the troubles I've had or the issues I've gone through, because I've made it through all of them. I've had times when friends have helped and when friends have shied away or decided it's too much for them. I've had times where I've been completely alone and struggling, and times when people have abandoned me to suffer alone. But through all this, I'll still never hold it against them. Because I have to deal with it 24/7, and I know how horrible it is to be around. I'm grateful for all the help I get, and any times when there is no help available, we'll all just have to deal with the consequences when they come.