Existing, not living

What is the point in my existence then? What is the point? Am I supposed to be here to do the devil’s work. Am I the Devil’s advocate? It would explain so much, why I bring so much pain and suffering into the world. I’m cruel to people in the most shallow of ways, and I do it with a vile laugh. I become involved in people’s lives and then just when things are going right, I ruin it. I persuade people that I am right when the right thing to do isn’t necessarily the best thing to do. And even in saying all this, I’m probably making things worse. I need understanding and more acceptance than I could possibly ever receive to feel better. I know I’m a horrible person and I deserve this. It’s been drummed into me that the real me is not a good person, and even though that was done for the wrong reasons, I’m starting to see how it could actually be beneficial to change. Although that is impossible, how can you change who you are?