On my own...

There's so much I need to get off my chest I don't know where to start.

I'm so lonely at the moment which is really stupid. My friends are so freaking awesome, (and I am so lucky because I'm a shit friend) especially Jolly and Anna this weekend, even though they should be spending time together. But that doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel guilty. I've most definitely enjoyed spending time with them this weekend but feel so bad for it.
I'm also finding myself thinking about one person constantly, and I know it's not gonna happen. I try not thinking about it all because I'm so shit at letting people know how I feel, not that it would matter if I did, I'd never be liked back. I just wanna forget everything and move on. I get butterflies, and I smile just thinking about them. And it feels so perfect because my feelings were so unexpected. My heart literally skips a beat when I know you've thought about me, and I know that when we touch, it's magic to me, but it's not going to be reciprocated. I just want to let them know and discover they feel the same way to.
Things are so complicated though.
I know I don't need a girlfriend to be happy, and I can be happy being single. But I don't want to be. I miss so much, the feeling you get in that hug, in that kiss. I see my friends happy with their 'other half', and that's all I want. Someone who I can talk to, someone who I can confide in. Someone to love and love me back. Someone I can leave a night out early with instead of being the one that goes home alone every night. (Not that I physically leave alone but you get my point.) I want that person that makes me feel so happy inside. All my friends have that perfect someone which they just match, but I'm never gonna get that. I want to be the one that leaves us all so that we can have some lovin'. Someone who I can listen to my music with for hours, who I can watch films from Austin Powers, to Dumbo, to Fight Club with and both actually want to watch it. Someone who just gets me...
The someone I can talk to bit is important. I want to be able to tell Beth, Melissa and Jolly when I feel down, or when I'm having a bad day, or when I come see them just minutes after crying about the waste of life that I'm living, which is happening more increasingly often because I'm a lame wet wipe. But I really really can't. I trust them, but I don't trust anyone. I told Melissa something really difficult a few weeks ago, and as much as I trust her with my life, I can't help but worry that other people will find out, and it plays on my mind so much. I nearly began to open up about how I felt to Melissa C, my ex back when she wasn't my ex (if you can even call her an ex), and as soon as I did she decided to dump me, so that'll learn me I suppose. I always feel so stupid telling people things, from secrets and truths, to just letting them know that I'm down or upset, because I feel like an attention seeker (and yes, I know that's stupid) and I don't want people to listen to me and be thinking 'SHUT UP TYLER GET A GRIP ON REALITY... because lets be honest, all these things should be put in perspective.
Then there's the worry about another best friend, I just want to make sure she's okay, but lets not even get into that.
And with all this running through my mind, I'm worried about it getting in the way of my uni work, which is very important right now, my collaborative project. I don't want to let our team down.
Then there's money, and the problem it that there isn't money. I'm doing well, but it's a big worry. I need money from the fam for my food but they can't afford it, and I feel bad for asking for money. There's so many things I need/want and I can't get them.